


Closure of a Distant Future

by BitterSweetness



Category: Death Note
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 09:10:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4215927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterSweetness/pseuds/BitterSweetness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt tries to deal with his growing interest in his best friend'd sworn rival. He starts to get close to the boy, only to discover that Mello might oppose to such a relationship for different reasons than the ones he'd imagine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Most people are under the impression that growing up in an orphanage is depressing. Those people are right, obviously. It is sad, and bleak and lonely. For most people, that is.

Matt, the student third in line to be the three best detectives in the world, considered his time at Wammy's Orpahanage for Especially Gifted Children extremely satisfactory. Maybe that wouldn't be saying much for a regular childhood, but given the circumstances it was plenty.

Some part of it maybe was that he didn't consider that he had anything to be depressed about. He barely remembered his parents, and liked it fine like that. Life before Wammy's didn't matter, it didn't exist. There was no room for sadness when he had all he could possibly want right there.

He was the third best in the orphanage, and although he hardly ever got recognition for it, he knew being one of the best among the other little geniuses was nothing to throw away. He had his video games that provided all the adventure and excitement of the outside world without him actually having to leave his couch. He had his best friend, Mello - the second best of the orphanage. From every young student in their home, he had chosen Matt the one worthy to be his best friend, and Matt couldn't be more thankful for it. He loved hanging out with him, he was cool, and smart, and maybe a little scary sometimes, but he never hurt him.

He was thankful to have Mello, but if he had to be truthful... What he was most thankful for was Near.

They weren't really friends. Matt had tried once, but Mello's reaction to his attempted friendship had left Matt frightened for the little boy's well-being. Mello never hurt him, but the thought of Near being in pain because if him was enough to dissuade the boy from any future pursuits of friendship. Of all of Mello's malicious actions, that had been the one that he truly resented. But Mello was his friend, and he'd seen what he could do to people who displeased him. He wasn't eager to get on his bad side. Mello hoarded two things: chocolate and resentments.

And besides... He didn't mind watching from a distance.

Yes, despite his temperamental friend's obsession with his rival, Matt was sure no one had analyzed Near more than himself. It became his favorite pass time during the years, surpassing even his video games. He knew so much about the little albino, and it fascinated him knowing there would always be more to know. He would never get Near, never all of him. But he treasured every little fact he could gather about him in a little chest on his mind. When watching from afar started to not be enough, when his body asked for closeness from the boy he loved studying, he turned to his little facts. He reviewed his little treasures with a passion he lacked from most other things in his life. He turned to them when Mello was just being too much and he needed to hold on to something to keep him grounded. It sometimes occurred to him that his growing obsession was starting to push the bounds of sanity in itself. It was hard sometimes, he had to consciously stop himself from getting lost in the mystery of the boy. Maybe it'd be hard to hide such a deep… interest from his friend in other circumstances, but Mello seemed to be as obsesses with the boy as him, just focused on other aspects.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be starting to give himself away. His grades started slipping, little by little, point by point. He was still a top contender, but it was hard to focus on his algebra homework when his mind always turned back to dark eyes and white hair between two pale fingers.

It was enough to annoy Mello, though.

"Matt!" his friend yelled, after he got his third test below his average that month. He had been ambushed as soon as he walked their room. He knew Mello had been looking forward to take out his anger over another second place.

"Your grades are dropping, dumbass! You need to focus on your school work, I can't have an idiot for a best friend!" His blue eyes were wide and angry as he scolded his best friend. He expected Matt to be smart enough to outdo everyone but himself. And, by consequence, Near. Not that he liked to remember that.

"I'm sorry, Mello" he apologized, dropping to his bed to be eye to eye with the blonde boy sitting at his desk. He didn't hold eye contact, preferring to look at his own hands. He didn't particularly care about dropping a few points, especially since he knew he didn't stand a real chance at being L's successor. He still felt guilty for disappointing his friend. "I'll try to work harder. I just get distracted sometimes..." He didn't know how to finish that sentence, hut luckily he was interrupted by Mello. He was often lucky lime that.

"By those stupid video games! How long have I been saying you're wasting precious study time with those pointless, childish games?" he admonished, smirking. He was always happy to have something else he was right about. "Good God, Matt! You're like that stupid sheep with his ridiculous toys!" The thought of his best friend having something in common with the person he hated most in the world left his cheeks red with anger.

"What? No, Mells!" he pleaded with the blonde volcano, about to burst. He needed to get his mind away from Near as quickly was possible. "I just need someone smart to tutor me! You could help me, right? I'm sure if anyone can help me, it's you."

As quickly as that, his friend seemed to settle down - his eyes stopped being so disturbingly wide, and the red started to face from his face. If there was something sure to put Mello in a good mood, it was giving him a compliment.

"I suppose that's true." he smirked at his friend. It was another reason he liked having Matt around, it always gave him more confidence about his own intelligence. Confidence he desperately needed, when his abilities were constantly being questioned by the mere existence of a certain angel faced albino. "But obviously I don't have the time to help you. I have to work hard to make sure I will be the one to become the world's greatest detective." He smirked again at his friend. He wondered if it ever caused him pain to know he didn't stand a chance of gaining that tittle. Certainty not as much pain as Mello had for being number 2 in the rank. "You'll just have to work harder." It was made clear the conversation was over when Mello turned to his computer and continued the work he had interrupted when his roommate had arrived. He had vented his anger, and had no further interest in continuing the conversation.

Matt sighed inaudibly. It was clear his friend was only interested in his own reputation, he had no intention of helping Matt studying. That would mean putting someone else's interests above his own, and that wasn't something the impetuous blonde was used to doing.

He lied down on the bed, trying to relax, but he was finding it to be impossible. The stress of being scolded by his friend was adding up to the fact that he had barely had a glimpse of Near all day. That was to be expected - whenever they received the results for their tests Near had the habit of making himself invisible for the rest of the day. It probably wasn't as much habit as it was self-preservation. Another score above Mello would mean another beating, if the blonde saw so fitting. Matt felt liked a coward whenever he watched his object of interest being shoved or kicked or punched. All he could do to stop it was remind Mello he would get in trouble if he really hurt Near. All he could do to comfort the beaten boy was give him a regretful look, one who he was sure was received with scorn. He wanted to hold the boy in his arms, keep him safe from Mello, and the world, of everything that could hurt his fragile self. It was a feeling he had been avoiding giving a name for almost as long as he'd known Near.

The weight on his chest was beginning to grow too heavy, he needed relief, any form of it. Usually he would turn to his video games to keep his mind from dwelling too deep in the rabbit hole, but he wasn't in the mood for another lecture. He decided he needed to get out of his room, get his blood flowing, maybe go outside and punch a tree, just something!

"I think I'll go to the library, maybe I'll focus better there." he me mumbled, jumping from his bed and walking out of the room.

"Yeah, fine." Mello responded absentminded, with his eyes still fixed on the computer and his fingers quickly typing up new sentences. Matt sometimes admired how devoted Mello was to his work, the concentration he put into everything he did. When he was working he was calm, the only thing on his mind was his work. It was the closest he could get to being peaceful. Even in his sleep he held his face in a grimace - his dreams filled with disturbing images of mocking cherubs attacking him with their little swords. He didn't even want to think about what that meant.

Matt walked through the hallway, aimlessly. He didn't know what to do to ease his restlessness. Honestly punching a tree was beginning to sound like the better option, at least he'd relieve some of the tension he was feeling. But that would send him to the infirmary, and he didn't need people poking around about his sudden tree-punching activities, especially his volatile best friend.

Even with that option out of the table, getting some fresh air felt like a good idea, so he walked the narrow hallways of Wammy's until he made his way out of the front door.

It was unusually pleasant outside. The clouds that hid the sky most days had breached, and for once he could see a piece of blue sky. You could already see the moon in the sky, like it could wait for the night to see her beloved earth. The cool air of the spring evening left a nice feeling on his skin as he walked the entrance and entered the small patch if woods just outside of the orphanage. He could feel the peace like it was a tangible think in the air. Everything looked so still, the rustling of the leaves as a breeze passed them was the only hint time hadn't stopped all together.

It felt nice, just walking around alone with his thoughts. It was rare that he didn't have an annoyed voice at his ear, complaining to him about another terrible injustice. He let his mind follow it's own path and it went in the predictable direction - Near.

He hoped he was okay, he didn't like being too long without seeing the boy. And not only for his own selfish, obsessive reasons. He knew Mello wasn't the only one who held a grudge against Near for him being the best. The albino boy was targeted by a lot of bitter, resentful students. Mello had been able to mostly put a stop to it. Apparently the blonde was territorial - the only abuse he would allow Near to suffer was his own. Still, Mello wasn't everywhere and those boys were nothing if not tenacious. He felt the palms of his hands becoming clammy, and his stomach was in knots. He knew he had no real reason to fear for Near's safety, but he couldn't stop picturing little Near shaking, curled up on the ground trying to protect himself from the boys' rage. He could picture it in painful detail, since he'd seen it in person so many times.

Suddenly being alone with his thoughts didn't feel good anymore. The soothing calm he felt around him now felt like the quiet before the storm. The idea something bad was happening latched on his brain, and it would not let go. Instinct took over and he suddenly he was running like a mad man in Wammy's direction. But most importantly, in Near's direction.

The sun had already set when he burst into Wammy's, sweaty and out of breath. As he leaned against a wall for support, the realization came that he had no idea of where to go from there. He didn't know where to find the boy, and running around jumping into every room searching for the boy would attract a lot of attention he didn't want.

The walls were completely deserted, which struck him as odd until he realized it was probably dinner time by then. It was better for him, since he could search for Near without raising suspicions. It was extremely rare for the younger boy to eat in the cafeteria with his peers, which had always come as a frustration to Matt, since it would be a place where he'd be able to see the albino without getting noticed.

Now that his heart had calmed down and his breath had evened out, some of his irrational, blinding panic was beginning to subside. But even with his mind clearer the overwhelming need to see Near remained. Even if he wasn't in danger, he needed to see him, with his own too eyes. That was the kind of urge he'd been trying to control since his... interest had begun, but it wasn't possible. Not that day.

He started walking aimlessly, knowing instinctively that whichever direction he chose to take would lead him to Near. It was the way things played out in the books, after all.

It felt like his body was on autopilot, walking itself to where it most needed to be. When he got a hold of himself, he was entering the common room.

There he was... Crouching next to his white puzzle on the floor, focused solely on completing his beloved game for the hundredth time over.

He didn't look up at Matt, although he had certainly noticed his presence. Matt was glad for this, since if he had looked up he would have seen him looking at him with his eyes wide open to a silly extent, mouth open agape like a fool. He was amazed at his instinct, considering the possibility it had been fate itself which had led him to Near. Which, in retrospective, was a silly thought. What led him to Near had been the fact that the boy commonly preferred playing in the common room while the others were eating, something Matt was well aware of, due to years of near obsessive watching.

Even tough, finding the boy there at that time when he needed him so much really did feel a little bit magic.

He noted, relieved, that the boy didn't look hurt in any way. Looking back, he knew he was probably just desperate for an excuse to look for the boy.

But he'd seen him. He could no longer justify his presence with his worry, but he didn't move to leave. Near still hadn't looked up. He felt like he was being given a choice. He looked at the boy on the floor - his perfection both tempted him and chastised him. He wanted to teach out and touch him, even if not physically, but he knew his touch could hurt him, taint him.

He knew he couldn't make that choice. With his heart tight in his chest, he turned to leave.

"Matt." before he could get to the door, a small voice reached out to him. The read head turned to look at the boy, wondering if he really had spoken or if it had been an illusion from his desperate mind. It seemed that Near hadn't moved an inch from his place of the floor. Before Matt could doubt himself into leaving the room, the boy looked up at him for the first time. His dark eyes captured Matt, locking him into his place. "Would you care to sit with me and help me with my puzzle?"


	2. Chapter 2

Matt agreed without meaning to, walking to Near and sitting beside him. The choice he'd made only seconds ago was disregarded, taken from his hands and into the albino's.

"I'd love to!" He said. He was surprised when his voice came out so breathless, but then he realized he indeed was feeling a little out of breath.

He shuffled uncomfortably on the floor, his heart was beating so loudly he could hear it in his head. He searched his mind for anything he could say to break the strangeness of the whole situation – him eagerly accepting to play with someone he was supposed to hate by proxy. Everything he could think of was either awkward of wildly inappropriate, and he didn't want to start embarrassing himself quite yet, so he did decided to wait for Near to break the silence.

He grabbed a piece of the puzzle and started at it in his hand, still feeling a little stunned. He'd seen that puzzle so many times, but he'd never been able to touch it. At first it had seemed such a silly and pointless game to him. Why do a puzzle with no picture? There was no reward in that.

Over time he'd discovered that it made perfect sense – it fit flawlessly in the bigger puzzle that was the boy in front of him.

"Is Matt having trouble?" Near asked, startling Matt from his thoughts. He could almost swear there was a hint of amusement in his voice, but it was hard to tell. He must have been staring blankly at the white puzzle piece for a while, he realized, blushing. He felt his cheeks getting uncomfortably hot, and the thought that Near was noticing the red in his cheeks made him blush even harder.

"Trouble…? Uh, no- well, I guess so. I kind of suck at puzzles." He laughed a strange high-pitched laugh. He hoped Near didn't notice how close that laugh at been to the hyenas' they watched on the nature channels.

"I thought Matt liked games." The boy said evenly, thankfully disregarding Matt's nervousness. The way his eyes looked into Matt's made him have the absurd thought that maybe his words had a second meaning.

"I like games." Matt assured Near with smirk. "But I admit that I'd rather do something that involved a little more action."

His shoulders relaxed from the tense position he'd been holding. He was feeling more comfortable now that he saw a direction to the conversation.

Near pondered his response before answering carefully.

"Action… I wouldn't know a lot about that." He said, twirling a strand of hair between his fingers.

"Oh, it's easy enough to learn." Matt smirked again at Near, this time a little more confident. After a few seconds of eye contact he was rewarded with a little smile from him. Near looked different when he smiled, Matt thought. He looked more… attainable. Less robotic. He felt a little pinch of pride for being responsible for that smile, as small as it was. He wanted to see it again.

They fell into silence again, one Matt hoped wasn't uncomfortable. Near seemed content in focusing on his puzzle again and Matt did his best to help. He focused on the puzzle in front of him, determined to show he wasn't as inept as he seemed. He felt victorious as he finally found the opening he was waiting for and slid the piece he was holding into it. He smiled at himself, satisfied with his little accomplishment. When he looked up from the puzzle he saw Near looking at him with an appreciative glint in his eyes. Matt smiled at him and turned his eyes back to be puzzle. He was amazed at how comfortable he felt – like he himself was a piece of a puzzle that had just found its rightful place.

"I understand" Near said when the puzzle seemed to be reaching completion "that Matt has been having some performance issues."

He didn't sound like he was mocking him or even like he was disappointed (because why should he care), but simply has a statement of a fact. Still, Matt felt like he'd been punched in the throat, and he was somewhat familiar with the feeling. Breathing seemed like a task too complex to be managed and he was certain his face had turned the color of his hair. For the first time he felt inadequate about his grades, ashamed about his recent slippage. He hoped that feeling of being insufficient wasn't how Mello felt all the time, though if it was he could start to understand some of his temper issues.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Matt." Near said, changing the weight of his body from one leg to the other, seemingly uncomfortable with the emotional display he had unwittingly provoked.

A fierce sting of embarrassment lingered stubbornly on Matt's chest, but it was overpowered by the strange pleasure of hearing Near say his name so naturally. It was the first time he'd without sounding like he was speaking about someone who wasn't present in the room.

"I was merely wondering" Near continued, pacified when Matt calmed down "if there was a cause to this decline. You've always seemed pretty consistent." He stared at Matt, eyes alight with curiosity, like he would get the answer by penetrating his mind.

Matt raised an eyebrow at Near, his embarrassment crumbled like dust and respawned as satisfaction. 'So I'm not the only curious one, uh Near? What else are you curious about?'

"I guess you could say I've been distracted lately." Matt answered simply, choosing a tone that made clear that was all he was going to say. He'd been distracted for the last four years, he though. But that wasn't information he could benefit in sharing. 'Besides' he thought 'let him be the one to wonder for a change.'

He could tell by a slight crease on Near's eyebrows that he wasn't satisfied with the answer. He didn't like being left in the dark. Matt had to restrain himself not to smile, happy to feed Near's curiosity about him.

He looked back to the puzzle and realized the piece he was currently holding was one of the two remaining to complete the puzzle. How long has they spent around it? He wasn't sure, but it was long enough window of the room now showed pitch black instead the slight orange glow that had lighted the room when he'd entered it. He found he was reluctant to let go of the piece he was holding. Whatever was happening at the moment was an anomaly, something that probably wouldn't repeat itself. Whatever whim had brought Near to ask him to join him was probably a onetime occurrence, derived from curiosity of who the boy's rival had a best friend. Matt could admit he was saddened by the thought, but there was also gleefulness that Near found any interest in him at all.

If Near noticed his reluctance he was tactful enough not to mention it, which means he probably didn't notice it. He spun his piece of the puzzle carefully between his fingers tracing its outline with one of his thin fingers. His eyes looked vacant, he was immersed in his own thoughts, as he so often seemed to be. When his eyes showed the shine of awareness again the boy leaned down and placed the piece in its right place.

It was Matt's turn to play, and he had to choice but to place the last piece. He felt like he was letting go of something that should be held on to.

Near nodded to him, serious as he always was. They both took a moment to appreciate the work they had completed. Matt felt proud, but a bitter taste filled his mouth. It was like he was feeling nostalgic for a moment that hadn't passed yet.

But it passed soon enough. Near struggled to get up and picked up the puzzle to put it in its box placed in a table across the room. Matt wanted to help Near, since he obviously had difficulty moving freely, but he hesitated. They had what could be called a distant relationship at best – it was the first time they had been together without a teacher present, or Mello. He didn't know how his help would be received, and he didn't want to make Near uncomfortable, especially since he didn't like to be touched.

He watched the boy stumble in a few steps, staying completely stoic. There was no sign of distress on his face, but there were rarely signs of anything in the young boy's face. The image brought others to Matt's mind against his will. Near shoved against a wall, holding his small arms against his body for protection. Near curled on the ground, unconsciously trying to make his body as small as possible. Near little hand brushing away a drop of blood below his lip. And himself, at the side of the boy who caused all of that, of the boy he called his best friend.

He walked to the boy. He shook the last bit of hesitance off his head like it was a physical thing and gently put his arm around Near's waist, steadying him. Near seemed to shrink at the touch, every inch of his body tensed as if he were expecting an aggression. Matt chided himself for making him uncomfortable, but he didn't want to let go until he was told to, even if his brain was telling him to pull himself away from the boy and let them both pretend that never had happened.

He stayed still, awkwardly crouched next to Near because of his height, listening to the increasingly fast and then steadying of his breathing. Near quickly regained his composure, letting his body relax. He looked at Matt inquisitively, but didn't ask any questions.

"Thank you, Matt." He said, still staring into Matt's eyes. Matt could tell that if his hands hadn't been holding the puzzle he'd be twirling his hair. He had to settle for sighing quietly as he looked forward and kept walking to the table, with slightly firmer steps than before. He didn't exactly lean on Matt to support, but accepted the stability Matt's arm around him offered.

Matt let his arm fall from Near's back as they reached the table. He watched him put the puzzle in the box - careful not to dislodge a single piece - and close the box again. The reason he had to spend time with Near was gone, but he found he couldn't be the one to say the words of goodbye.

"I…" Near started, but hesitated, something so out of character for him, who always seemed to know what to say. "I quite enjoyed you company, Matt." He finally said, turning a very light shade of pink Matt would call adorable if it wasn't so perplexing. He'd enjoyed his company? They'd barely exchanged a word the whole time they were together.

"I enjoyed your company too!" He said, and he wondered if he sounded a little too excited for his own good. But it was the truth, he had enjoyed the time they had together, even if they'd spent the most of it in silence. He was delighted to be able to be with Near without feeling like a predator observing his prey from a distance. He felt a little giddy that the other boy had liked being with him.

But it seemed like it was time to leave and as much as he didn't want to leave Near, he had to accept that their time together had been a one-time event and that the next day he would return to being just the boy who watched as Near was abused by Mello. He tried to erase any sadness from his face and managed to come up with a bright smile to give to Near as a goodbye.

For the second time, he was stopped by Near's voice as he was walking away.

"Matt," he said "if chance would have it that we meet again in circumstances like this…" The circumstances being alone in the same place, Matt assumed. He turned around, to look at Near, curious at where he was getting with that. Near made eye contact for a brief moment, but couldn't hold it for long. "I'd have every pleasure in assisting you with any difficulties you might have in academics."

'Oh' Matt thought 'was that why he was asking about that? He wanted to help?'

"I often find the east library to be very quiet at certain times of night." He said, looking into Matt's eyes again. All Matt could do was nod, dumbfounded.

"That is all. Goodnight." He ended the conversation and exited the room as briskly as he was capable of, with the box in his hands.

"Goodnight, Near." Matt said, a bit too late to be heard.

He started at the dark hallway facing him for a few moments before making his way to his room. He started biting his nails, an old habit he's mostly managed to overcome, but that still resurfaced when he was feeling particularly anxious. His mind was filled with possibilities of what any future meeting between him and Near could involve. Some filled him with a kind of excitement that had been foreign to him until that very moment. They were vague, indistinct images that he couldn't fully understand but that made his heart beat faster. Others were dark and bloody, reminding him of a promise he'd made to himself for Near's sake. A promise that had been easy to make when the possibility of friendship was as distant and fleeting as a ghost ship in a foggy night. He took a deep breath and made the decision to not make any decisions that night. For now, what he really needed was a good night's sleep to put his mind at ease.


	3. Chapter 3

Going back to his own room felt like waking up after a lucid dream. Walking through that door was like accepting that he was indeed bound by the laws of reality, so in the same way he couldn't fly off a building without landing painfully in the ground, he couldn't be friends with Near without someone getting hurt. His body shuddered, rejecting the thought of such an abrupt end to their hopeful beginning. He pressed his hand hard on his forehead, trying to chase away the thought. He'd promised he wouldn't think about it, he reminded himself. He wished he could play his video games without Mello sneering at him. Contrary to what his friend thought, they helped him think, relaxed his mind into coming up with easy solutions for his problems. He sighed, he doubted that he'd find an easy solution for his situation if he played for a week straight. He shook his head hopelessly and walked quietly into his room.

Mello was lying in bed, his legs sprawled on the mattress, staring at the ceiling like he was trying to see through it. He didn't bother acknowledging Matt's presence, choosing to continue his staring contest with the ceiling. He stayed like that, mulling about whatever was going through his mind for a long time, no less than fifteen minutes by Matt's estimations. Matt was tired, and his stomach was aching with lack of food and he wanted nothing more than go to sleep and see if by the morning his problems would seem simpler, as they often did after a good night's sleep, but he couldn't go to bed without speaking to Mello. The two of them had talked to each other before sleep every night since the day they'd become roommates. It was something natural and constant like the universe, and it had become such an instinctive part of their nightly routine that Matt doubted he'd be able to fall asleep if Mello's voice wasn't the last thing he heard.

He busied himself by going through his drawers, pretending to be preparing his books for the next day while he waited, just to have something to do with his hands. He felt restless and jittery, and yet his body felt anchored to the ground by fatigue. He was more tired than he remembered being in a long while.

He glanced at Mello through the corner of his eye, careful not to get noticed. Mello didn't like being stared at while he was thinking which many newcomers had learned painfully when he'd caught them looking just a second too long. Matt however, often Matt found it hard to stop himself. Mello's mind was as sharp as his edges, there was something fascinating and alluring about watching it work, even if his own mind was unable to catch up.

Mello wasn't a typically contained person, he rarely made any effort to hide what he was feeling, but Matt had learned that when it came to what he was thinking, Mello was anything but an open book. On the contrary, he was closed and guarded about his thoughts, like he feared they'd be stolen and used against himself. But Matt had had years of experience dealing with him, and signs that would have gone unnoticed by other people shone clearly as daylight to him. He noticed the tiny crease of his eyebrows that showed he was thinking hard about something, trying to come up with a solutions to a problem, and the slight curl of his lip indicating that whatever the problem, he either couldn't find a solution or the one he did wasn't satisfactory. Either way, whatever he wasn't thinking, it wasn't happy about it.

Matt had noticed it happening more and more often, to the point where he wondered if there were any thoughts on that tempestuous mind that weren't angry and frustrated ones. He missed the times where he could look across the room and see his friend smiling mischievously to himself about something or another, most likely about his next plan to drive Roger into an asylum.

He chuckled silently at the thought, thinking of all the times they'd seen red-faced Roger, desperately trying to control his anger so he wouldn't explode all over Wammy's brightest. But that had been before... well it had been before Near. Everything had changed after Near.

He and Mello had been there when he'd been brought into Wammy's for the first time, they'd been the very first of all the children to catch a glimpse of the boy who'd change their lives.

It had been about three years before, in the middle of the night. They'd been too bored to study and too alert to sleep, so they decided to do a little bit of rebellious exploring. They were on their way to Roger's office (which Mello swore had an assortment of adult magazines locked in one of the cabinets) when they heard voices on the grand entrance.

Matt thought of running back to their room, but Mello caught him by the arm and pointed to a space behind the stairs where they'd be able to see without being seen, quietly pulling him so they could hear what was being said. It had been too tempting, too interesting for him to walk away. Mello thought that if they were lucky they might be able to listen to something they were really not supposed to. Unfortunately for him, they weren't able to listen to anything at all. The two figures they could see from their hiding place were speaking quickly and in hushed tones, impossible to decipher from where they were staying. They could only recognize Roger was one of them by his familiar, balding head of gray hair, which occasionally shined in the dim lighting from the window. They stayed there for a while in the darkness, unable to see who he was talking to or what they were speaking of. They were about to give up and tiptoe back to their room when the cloudy sky outside cleared up a stray ray on moonlight made its way into the entrance and shone in the figures by the door.

Mello's eye widened as he identified the second figure. It was L - his idol. Mello had a fleeting moment of madness, when he wanted to run to him and tell him all he'd been doing since he'd last seen L, the equation he'd solved that not even his teacher could figure out, the pages of the Russian novel he'd been painstakingly translating into English, the perfect backflip he was able to do during physical improvement (even if he old plum that was teaching them had yelled at him for it). His rational stopped him from doing it, reminding him of the amount of trouble he'd be in if he were caught out in the middle of the night for the third time that month. Mello scowled, the last thing he wanted to do was get into trouble with L around.

He settled instead for staring admiringly at his hero, wondering what brought him there in the middle of the night. Perhaps he'd gone there go give Mello his birthday present personally, Mello thought brightly, even though his birthday wasn't until two weeks later.

Matt, however, had noticed something strange about the way L was standing, strange in the sense that it was too normal to seem right in his body. His body was straighter than usual and his arms were raised to his chest, holding something close against him. At first, under the poor lighting, Matt thought it was a bundle of white sheets and briefly wondered childishly if L had come to do his laundry. It wasn't until that bundle on L's arms moved that he realized what he was. He gasped in shock and was promptly elbowed by Mello. He glared at him and pointed to L's arms, and got to watch the realization hit his friend. L was holding a child.

A very strange child, Matt thought. He seemed to be untouched by color, white from his hair to the socks in his small feet. He laid curled in L's lap like a frail, injured bird, being carried gently and affectionately by L.

That affection, out of all the strange things about that situation, was the strangest to Matt. Because while it was obvious, from the rare times they met him personally, that L cared for each of the children under his care, he was never the one to be physically affectionate. But there was something unmistakably caring about the way L's arms were wrapped around that little boy, as if he had taken upon himself the burden of protecting the child. He turned to Mello to comment on it, but the look on his face made him hold his tongue. He looked as baffled as Matt was feeling, but there was something else there, something that looked so foreign in the boy's face that Matt couldn't identify it at first. Jealously – watching his mentor and personal hero be so close to someone he didn't even know, when the most he ever had gotten was a pat in the head, triggered something in him that he'd never felt before. Because before that moment, what reason would he have had to be jealous of anyone?

But there it was. Matt thought it was probably the defining moment in their relationship, and Near hadn't even been awake for it. In retrospect, Matt could see that had been the first time Mello had hated Near.

His trip to memory lane was cut short by a harsh pillow thrown to his face from the other side of the room. Matt winced and rubbed his cheek, throwing the pillow back at Mello forcefully, who caught it easily.

"What the hell was that for?" Matt asked angrily as he straightened his goggles, which had gotten askew because of the impact.

"You were spacing out, had to get your attention." Mello answered, smirking at his friend.

Matt glared at him, but refrained commenting on who'd been the one spacing out for the better part of half an hour.

"What do you want?" He asked, a little more testily than he should have. Mello didn't seem to notice.

"You weren't at dinner." Mello said, looking inquisitively at him. It might have been Matt's imagination, but his tone seemed almost accusatory.

"Oh, yeah…" Matt responded vaguely. He had completely forgotten about dinner during his time with Near. He frowned slightly, thinking that Near probably hadn't gotten a chance to eat either. He should have thought about that, he realized, feeling a stab of guilt in his stomach. He'd been too absorbed by his company to think it was a bad idea for a boy with his health to miss meals.

"Well, what were you doing?" Asked Mello impatiently, apparently unsatisfied with Matt's reply.

Matt struggled to remember what excuse he'd given Mello to leave the room. "Oh, library!" He remembered out loud. Seeing his friend's skeptical look he added hastily: "I was studying you know, lost track of time." Mello's skepticism seemed to intensify, he knew that Matt's study habits consisted of looking at the watch every five minutes and groan in frustration. "I was thinking about what you said, uhm… I don't want to disappoint you…"

He found it hard to look Mello in the eyes as he finished. He really didn't want to disappoint him, or hurt him in any way, the first real friends he'd ever had, but it seemed inevitable if he really was to keep meeting Near. He swallowed the lump in his throat and decided to think of something else.

When he looked back at Mello, he was looking back at him with wide, stunned eyes. As the initial surprise worn out, a gentle expression crept upon his face and he smiled. Instead of replying, he reached under his bed and grabbed a bar of his favorite chocolate, throwing it nonchalantly at Matt.

"You shouldn't spend so much time without eating. It'll make it harder to focus." He said it in a deliberately cool voice, but he was still smiling as he looked away.

Matt thanked him softly and clutched the bar in his hand. He unwrapped it slowly and broke a piece of it off. It was the dark, bitter kind Mello loved, and he found he couldn't eat more than the one piece, as hungry as he was. He'd lied to his best friend and gotten kindness in return. The thought made him feel emptier than the hunger. He quietly put away the rest of the chocolate and laid in bed. He stayed there staring at the ceiling, just as Mello had done minutes before, and fell asleep long after Mello turned off the lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I'm sorry for the long delay. College started again and I'm afraid my head has been a difficult place to live in lately. I am aware this chapter is a but of a filler, but I felt like I needed to upload something and there are some points here that will be important later. Thank you for sticking with this story, thank you for reading, and if you can, please leave a review, because they motivate me immensely.


	4. Chapter 4

Matt woke up early in the morning, as the first rays of sunlight filtered through the blinds of the window. He groped groggily at his nightstand, searching for his clock. The red digits read 6:00 am, classes only started at 9. He sighed, he usually would have turned around and slept until 8:55, but his empty, aching stomach didn't let him go back to sleep.

He groaned as he left the bed. The running of the previous day had left his legs sore. He really needed to exercise more, he thought as he stumbled through the room heading to the bathroom. He whispered a curse through gritted teeth as he tripped over Mello's backpack, almost falling to the floor. He mumbled grumpily to himself. Mello had the most annoying habit of leaving his things all over the floor. Not that Matt cared much about tidiness, but he'd like to walk to the bathroom in the morning without risking a concussion. He kept walking without bothering to look back to see if the noise had waken Mello – he knew from experience he wouldn't wake up a second before his alarmed ringed.

He quickly brushed his teeth and his hair, grabbed some clothes from the pile in his closet and walked in direction to the kitchen.

They weren't technically supposed to be using the kitchens but the cook wouldn't come out for another hour and that rule wasn't strictly enforced. Roger believed that self-reliance was a very important skill for the children to learn.

Matt grabbed some bacon and eggs from the fridge and walked to the stove to make his favorite breakfast. The smell of food sharpened his sleepy brain and he found himself letting his mind wander to Near again. He wondered if he was already awake, Matt had the feeling he was a morning person.

He hoped he hadn't spent the whole night without eating, Matt thought, frowning to himself. He was certain he wouldn't have come to make food for himself, it was just not something Near would do.

He bit his lip. Maybe he should make him something to eat, since he was already cooking for himself. He knew breakfast was only a couple of hours away, but what if Near was too weak to get out of bed? And alright, maybe he was grasping at straws a little to find an excuse to spend some more time alone with him but who could blame him? He swallowed guiltily, he knew who'd blame him… but there was no way for him to find out. And it would be just cruel to let Near go hungry, especially since he was partially responsible for him missing dinner.

And so he shook his head to get rid of all the reasons not to and decided to make Near breakfast.

He scratched his head considerately, he knew most days Near had nothing more than some cereal and a glass of milk, but it seemed too impersonal to just bring him a bowl of cereal; there was no thought to it. He wanted to make something. The only thing he knew how to make was bacon and eggs. He knew Near should eat healthy and as far as he knew, bacon wasn't healthy so he decided on the eggs. He decided to make an omelet using just the eggs whites, both because it was healthier and because it amused him to have Near eat an all-white breakfast.

Omelets weren't exactly his specialty, so there were some bits of shell he had to scoop carefully from the bowl, but overall he was proud of the results. He grabbed a platter to put both their plates and a glass of milk in it and got out the kitchen. He carried the platter through the deserted halls, careful not to tip it. He knew the direction to Near's room by heart, it was the only one in the end of a long bare hall, far away from the rest of the other rooms. Matt didn't know if that had been Near or Roger's decision.

Near was one of the few of the orphanage to get his own room, a privilege reserved to only the five students with the best overall performance. Mello and Matt had been given to choice to get a private room too, but they decided to stay together. Matt wondered if Near got lonely, not having anyone to joke with or talk to before bed. He knew he would.

When Matt got to Near's room he hesitated before knocking. It suddenly occurred to him that in his list of reasons not to visit Near's room wasn't the option that he might not want Matt there. It had been a little arrogant of his part, Matt thought, to assume Near would welcome him into his room when the most he'd done was invite him to do a puzzle and study in the library. He knew how much Near valued his personal space, maybe going there really wasn't a good idea. Besides, Near had said he liked his company, but did he really mean it? Maybe he just thought it was the polite thing to say…

His mind was starting to run circles around itself, and he was seriously considering turning back to the kitchen and eating alone when the door opened quietly before him. Near stood in front of him, looking up with a quizzical expression on his face.

"I thought I heard someone by the door." Near mused. Matt wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or to him. "What brings Matt to my room at such an early hour?" he asked, curiously eyeing the food in Matt's hands.

"Uh…breakfast!" Matt said holding up the platter, trying to sound enthusiastic. "I mean, I thought you might be hungry because you missed dinner last night, and uh… I was hungry because I also missed dinner…" Matt rambled, increasingly embarrassed. Why did he always sounded like an idiot in front of Near? "So I made breakfast for us. You know, most important meal of the day and everything, so I thought…" He let his words die out, hoping Near didn't need further explaining.

Near smiled slightly, just a little tug of his lips, but it made Matt's heart jump

"Of course." Near said, still wearing that little smile. "Breakfast. That is very thoughtful." He continued, moving away from the door to indicate Matt should walk in. Matt did so, relieved not to have made more of a fool out of himself.

It actually wasn't the first time he'd been in Near's room. No, it hadn't been part of his endeavors to get to know him from a distance; that would have been a little to creepy and stalkerish even to Matt's taste. No, he'd been there with Mello once when they'd caught a wild snake in the woods and Mello had decided it would be funny to put it in Near's bed. Matt had tried to protest, but Mello had insisted the snake wasn't venomous and started to get angry at his friend's reluctance. Matt had no choice but to agree, hoping to be able to get the snake out the window without Mello noticing. He wasn't able to, and the next day Near showed up for breakfast with the snake cheerfully perched on his shoulder, making a couple of younger girls yelp in fright and Mello grind his teeth so hard Matt was half expecting to hear a crack. He probably didn't hide his grin as well as he should have, because Mello was snappy to him for the best of the day.

It was exactly the same as the time Matt had been in it, with the exception that there was no snake in the bed. Roger had made Near get rid of it right away. The room was not as big as Matt's, but the lack of furniture made it seem more ample. There was only a twin sized bed with a small bedside table next to it, a small closet and a desk in a corner. The walls were white and bare, there was no piece of decoration in the entire room, a stark contrast with Matt's: covered almost entirely with posters and pictures, and sometimes some of his drawings if he felt confident enough. There was only one large window, where he could see the woods just outside the building. It was halfway open, letting the sounds of the chirping birds float to the room. The floor was covered with a fluffy white carpet, comfortable enough to roll around in, Matt thought. He wasn't sure why that made him blush.

Near sat in the floor by the bed and motioned Matt to do the same. Matt slowly dropped to his knees, setting the platter on the floor, careful not to spill the milk. He took a moment to look at Near as he sat himself. The morning sunlight coming from the window reflected off the white walls and onto him; it made him look like he was glowing.

Matt smiled, feeling a gentle warmth fill his chest. He never thought he'd be able to see him from so up close. He was even prettier that way, his skin looked smooth and unblemished. Matt wondered how he'd react if he touched him softly on the cheek, just to know what it felt like. He had almost convinced himself to do it when Near spoke again.

"Matt is staring." He said, bluntly as ever.

Matt knew he should be embarrassed but all he felt was fondness. And maybe the hunger, or the way Near glowed in the morning light had made him temporarily mad, because he found himself saying aloud what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry, but you're just very pretty…" he stopped there, suddenly aware of the implications of what he was saying. He felt horror freeze him into place, he was sure he wouldn't be able to move a muscle if he tried to, which might be for the best, because if he felt he could move he would have bolted out of the room right then.

He steeled himself for Near's cold look of contempt, for the polite, but firm request that Matt leave his room that very second.

For a moment all he got was silence. When he managed to take his eyes off the wall and face Near, he was surprised, not to mention intensely relieved to see he had a tiny shy smile in his face.

"Pretty… Matt really thinks so?" he asked, slight curiosity showing in his voice.

"Yes." Matt answered. His mouth was very dry all a sudden, he grabbed his glass of orange juice and drank it all at once, avoiding eye contact.

"Interesting…" Near whispered. Matt wasn't sure he was meant to hear that. "Thank you, Matt." He smiled gently at him. When he looked away it was too take the first bite of the omelet Matt had so considerately done for him.

Matt, glad for an excuse not to embarrass himself by opening his mouth, moved to eat his own breakfast, grabbing the crisp strips of bacon and eating them with his hands.

After a few minutes of eating in companionable silence, Matt ventured speaking again.

"So… do you like the food?" he asked, taking a nervous glance at Near's half full plate.

"Of course." Near answered easily, without looking up from his place. "It was so kind of Matt to make it, I am very touched by the gesture."

Matt, although delighted by those words wasn't entirely convinced by Near's answer.

"Yeah, but how does it taste?"

"It tastes… delightful," Near answered, giving himself away by his hesitation. "A very valiant effort," he encouraged.

Matt frowned slightly. He was pretty sure what Near had said was code for 'It tastes like crap but I don't want to hurt your feelings.'.

"Good, let me taste then," he asked, berating himself for not thinking to taste the food before he gave it to Near.

"No," Near answered simply, grabbing the plate from the tray and pulling it to himself. "I do not wish to share."

Matt laughed, surprised and endeared by Near's childlike attempts to spare his feelings.

"Don't be selfish, Near," he admonished playfully, smirking at the odd vision that was Near hugging a plate of eggs. "If they're so good I want to taste them."

"No."

"Just a taste," Matt insisted, lunging forward to try to swipe some eggs from Near's plate. His movement were a little too sudden unfortunately, because his knee hit the platter on the floor, spilling Near's milk all over the floor and making him lose his balance. He fell on top of Near, knocking them both to the ground and making the eggs he'd been trying to steal land all over his face.

Matt face was so close to Near's he could count his eyelashes, feel his faint breath on his cheek. His heart was beating so loudly against his ears that although he could see Near's lips forming words, he had no idea what they were.

"What?" he asked, blinking dazedly at Near.

"I can't breathe with Matt on top of me," Near struggled to say. Matt jumped away from Near horrified when he realized how he must be crushing the small boy.

"Near, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Do you need to see the nurse?" Matt asked, frantic with worry.

"No, there's no need for that," Near assured him, although he was still very obviously winded. "I'm alright, truly," he assured Matt when he saw his anxious expression.

"I'm so sorry, Near. I didn't mean to hurt or to make all this mess." He apologized, almost at the brink of tears. He was such a clumsy idiot, he made a mess of everything. "I shouldn't have come, I'm sorry I-"

"Do not apologize," Near said, looking wide eyed at him, probably surprised by the depth of emotion Matt was showing over a little spilled milk and loss of breath. "Matt is much too hard on himself. The mess can be easily cleaned, and I was not truly hurt. I'm glad Matt came to me this morning. Haven't I already said I enjoy his company?"

"You have," Matt smiled, a bit shyly. "I wasn't really sure if you meant it…" he admitted, exposing his doubts for the first time.

"I do not lie," Near said simply.

"Except when you said my eggs were 'delightful," Matt teased, grinning.

"Alright, I sometimes lie," He acknowledged with a small grin at Matt. His expression turned serious again when he added "But not about that."

Matt believed him. It was impossible not to when Near was looking at them with those wide, honest eyes. He looked so earnest, so somber… so lonely. Matt heart clenched at the loneliness in those eyes, and for a moment, all he wanted in the world was to reach over and give the boy a hug, promise him he wouldn't have to be alone. But he didn't want to push boundaries again, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep that promise. But he wanted to… he wanted to…

After that Matt insisted in cleaning up the mess himself, using some paper towels Near had in the room. He was almost done when Near called his name.

"Yes?" he asked, looked up at him. He was looking down with a curious smile on his face.

"You have some egg on your face," he responded, confusing Matt for a second. He briefly wondered what else he had done to embarrass himself when he realized Near meant it literally. He touched his face, finding a bit of the omelet under his chin and popped it in his mouth, making Near scrunch his face for moment before smiling in amusement.

"Crap, I forgot the salt," Matt realized, tasting what he thought were the blandest eggs anyone had ever tasted.

"Next time you'll know," Near said, blushing a very light shade of pink. Matt beamed at him, considering Near's words an invitation to come again. He would gladly accept it, especially if it gave him more chances to see Near blushing like that.

"Sure thing," he indirectly answered the invitation.

They spend the rest of their time they had before classes started by working on a puzzle together. Matt wasn't sure if they were doing the same puzzle as the previous night of if Near had an endless supply of blank puzzles to complete one after the other. Neither option would be surprising to him.

About half an hour before the bell rang to call them to class Matt gathered the things he'd brought and prepared to leave. He wanted to stay, cut class and just play puzzles with Near all day. It felt greedy to want so much when he didn't even deserve the precious time he got with him, but he couldn't help it. Maybe it was in his nature to be greedy.

"I should go," he said, almost apologetically. "I have to sneak this stuff back to the kitchen and get my bag for class," he continued, unsure of why he felt like he needed to justify himself. "Goodbye."

Near looked at him curiously, head tilted to the side in confusion. "No need to say goodbye. We'll see each other quite shortly."

It wouldn't be the same, Matt thought sadly to himself. Still, he smiled halfheartedly at Near and didn't voice his pessimistic thoughts.

"Yeah… and maybe we'll see each other in the library tonight?" he looked at Near hopefully, unable to help himself. He knew immediately it wasn't a good idea, it was too unrealistic to disappear for two nights in a row and expect Mello not to suspect something was different, but damned if he cared at the time.

"Maybe we will," Near nodded affirmatively.

Matt grinned back and left, walking merrily across the hallways, satisfied by what had after all been a very satisfying start to his day.

Matt managed to put the things he'd removed from the kitchen back without being noticed and was running to his room when he collided with his best friend.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" Mello shouted, before realizing who had hit him. "Oh, it's you," he noticed carelessly heading to the cafeteria. Matt knew he was expected to follow.

"You were up early today," Mello commented, brushing aside the other children in his way as he walked. It was Matt's queue to explain.

"Couldn't sleep. Got out for some fresh air."

A simple answer was always a good answer in Matt's experience. If he knew Mello, he wouldn't care enough to pursue the issue much further.

Mello hummed in agreement, barely paying attention to what he had said. They had entered the cafeteria and he was scanning his eyes across the room, looking for someone it seemed. Matt wagered he had a pretty good bet of who it would be. He was proven right quickly enough.

"Sheep isn't here today," Mello grumbled, grabbing his tray. "It would be beneath his highness to eat with us plebs," he mocked, quite unfairly in Matt's opinion since they saw him there most mornings.

"Maybe he's just not hungry, Matt suggested, stuffing his hands firmly on the pockets of his jacket, wishing he had a game to distract himself with.

"I'm surprised he even needs food at all. Don't things like him usually only need electricity to survive?" he laughed, sitting down on an empty table. Matt forced a hollow laugh, hoping that's be answer enough.

"Aren't you eating anything?" Mello asked, noticing for the first time Matt hadn't grabbed a tray.

"I'm not really hungry," he answered, relieved the Near insulting portion of their breakfast had finished.

"Are you sick or something?" Mello felt Matt's forehead, feeling his temperature. It made Matt smile. His friend could be caring sometimes if he felt like it.

"I feel fine," he assured him.

"Good," Mello said, focusing on his breakfast again. "I can't hanging around a sick person, I don't want to catch anything and miss study time." Matt rolled his eyes at him. He'd only seen Mello sick a few - terrifying - times, and in none of those times had the sickness stopped him from studying. "Maybe you should go to the infirmary just in-"

"No!" Matt shouted, drawing the startled attention of the students on the other tables. "I told you I feel fine." The said through gritted teeth, avoiding Mello's incredulous gaze.

Realization dawned on Mello's face, being quickly replaced by an irritated frown. "Alright, alright." He conceded with an annoyed sigh. His lips were set in a thin, angry line. Matt knew how angry being yelled at made him. It was a testament to their friendship that he was willing to let it go without repercussion. "But sooner or later you'll have to deal with that ridiculous-"

He was suddenly interrupted by the sound of the bell announcing they should be heading to class. That distracted him from what he was about to say, and then he was too busy heading to class to finish his remark. He couldn't want to have punctuality points deducted from his grade.

Matt, who already had as many punctuality points deducted as it was possible to deduct, didn't bother hurrying to get his bag. He walked with a small frown on his face, annoyed by his friend's callousness. He damn well knew why Matt didn't to go to the infirmary. But of course it was 'ridiculous' to him. Everything that wasn't about his obsessive competition with Near was ridiculous. Not that Matt had much room to talk when it came to being obsessing with Near…

He sighed to himself, swallowing his anger. It wouldn't do him any good to act on it, but sometimes it was so tempting to show Mello other people could get angry too… He shook his head, taking a deep breath. He was being silly, Mello didn't mean any harm, he just didn't understand. There were lots of things Mello understood that Matt didn't, and that didn't make Mello angry with him because of that. Frustrated, maybe. And a tad condescending. But not angry, he reserved his anger for other occasions. So Matt shouldn't be angry either, Mello did so much for him…

He bit the inside of his cheek, chiding himself for being overly sensitive. If he was being true to himself, he had to admit his anger was also very much related to Mello's comments about Near. He'd heard worse before, and it had always stung a bit, but he'd always been able to ignore it. But now, after spending even such a small amount of time with the boy, he'd seen something so human and vulnerable and lonely in him that holding his tongue was a bit of a challenge. It was almost scary the effect Near had in him, but it didn't surprise him. Matt wouldn't have been so fascinated with him if he didn't know there was something special in him. Something deeper than intelligence.

The halls were completely empty but the time he headed to class. He sighed to himself. Even waking up three hours early he still managed to be late for class. Mello seemed to share a similar thought, judging by the disapproving glace he'd thrown his way after Matt sat himself in the seat next to him. He tried to look at least somewhat apologetic, and even tried to take notes during the class to make up for his tardiness.

The notes were sloppy and disconnected, quotes from the teacher's lecture mingling with stray thoughts unrelated to the class. It was very hard to focus when he was so deliberately trying not to pay attention to the stoic boy just a few seats away from him. He couldn't help stealing an occasional glance to him on occasion, slightly disappointed that Near's gaze never once wandered his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, a new one, and only two years later. For anyone still interested, I hope you enjoy!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I know MattxNear is uncommon, but it's one of my favorites! Let me know your thoughts! If anyone reading is interested, I'm in need of a beta. Let me know if you're interested.


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